Reflecting

It has been awhile since I posted anything. It’s not that life has been mundane – far from it. Things are just busy and not with any huge events, just busy with everyday living. Brian took Matthew with him to the grocery store, so I am sitting here reflecting on where I was last year.

Last year at this time I was going to my ob twice a week for non-stress tests, blood pressure checks and check ups. I was worrying that I would be put on bed rest for mine and Matthew’s safety (they sure threatened it enough). I was trying to figure out how we would get by if I went out on maternity leave that early. I was also getting so excited about the impending birth of our miracle.

And I was, like now reflecting on how much can change in a year’s time. Two years ago at this time, I was grieving for a little life lost during pregnancy. I was wondering why and how it could have happened. I was heartbroken that I wasn’t going to get to hold that little baby. Two years later, so much has changed. I am still a mommy. My heart still misses that little baby who went to Heaven early. But my heart has begun to really heal. My beautiful baby boy was just the perfect band-aid for that hurt. I still don’t understand why we lost that first baby. But I know that if we hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have Matthew now. And he is so wonderful. It is so much more than I ever imagined. Matthew truly is my rainbow after the storm. And I thank God for giving us this perfect and priceless gift.


This year has sped by so quickly. I am trying to capture and lock all the special moments in my heart. But that is impossible, because every moment with our little family is special. Matthew is growing so much and his first birthday is looming on the horizon. Since my last blog one major thing has happened – walking.

He is walking and running everywhere now. He loves to hide under things. He can do patty cake and itsy bitsy spider. He does say ma-ma and da-da on purpose. He loves to eat. He recognizes when you say the words cup, ball, book and elmo.


He gets into all kinds of stuff - cabinets, hampers, drawers, you name it and he wants to play in it. He has the cheesiest grin.


I am definitely in love with being a mommy. Each day is a new adventure and a new blessing. I am going to miss these fleeting days of babyhood. I hear the truck now. I guess the time for quiet reflection is over. Time to do some work.

Catching up

I finally have a few moments to write a new blog. It has been awhile. I probably should be using these few moments of peace and quiet to work on Matthew’s scrapbook or better yet I should be cleaning something. But I figured I would attempt to start a new blog. Nothing incredibly exciting is going on in our little corner of the world. But I figured I would share a little of our lives and some pictures.

The holidays were wonderful. Every holiday now has new meaning with a little one. Thanksgiving was very special; spending time with our extended family, letting Matthew try a lot of home cooked foods, being together, counting all our many blessings. It was everything a holiday should be.


We got to spend some time with Brian’s extended family just before Christmas. The reason for our gathering was very sad. But it was still nice to see them all and have some of them finally meet Matthew. It was nice to sit and reminisce with them about Cathy. I know they all miss her very much.

Christmas was bittersweet for us – Matthew’s first Christmas and our first Christmas without Brian’s mom, Cathy. Christmas has always been special to me. This holiday is probably my favorite one of all. It celebrates a little baby, the ultimate gift. I understand the value of that gift more now than ever before. I have always enjoyed the traditions my family has for Christmas. Those traditions took on a whole new meaning sharing them with Matthew this year. Our family’s Christmas is incredibly hectic, and sometimes a little stressful, with all the running around crammed in to one day. I know as Matthew grows, the traditions will have to change a little. I have so many fond memories of Christmases spent with my family. I hope when Matthew is my age, he will look back fondly on his Christmases growing up.



This first Christmas of his, was pretty amazing. He is finally getting over his stranger anxiety, so he got to actually enjoy being with everyone. And he got so many toys. (Next year maybe we won’t buy as many toys since everyone else will buy him toys.)

He loves to play so all the toys will eventually get used. We will rotate them in and out so that he doesn’t get bored. My dad and granddaddy built him and my nephew these really amazing rocking Harleys.


Now Matthew has a rocking toy built by each grandpa. (Grandpa Gene built him a rocking horse when he was just a couple of months old.) I am so thankful that Matthew has such talented grandpas. These toys will mean something to him as he grows up. And he can pass them onto his children one day. That means more than any store bought toy. We had to cut our trip short because of a snowstorm on Christmas night. But even cutting the trip short and running around like crazy, we still had such a wonderful holiday.


We are still adjusting to Cathy being gone. We are trying to settle her affairs. It is hard to believe she’s been gone for just over a month now. I still catch myself getting ready to ask Brian if he has talked to his mom this week. He found an old voicemail of her that was saved on his phone the other day. It was a sad day, because we know there won’t be anymore messages. The message wasn’t remarkable. It just said that she was sorry she had missed his call earlier and for him to call her back. But finding it caught him off guard and reminded him of all that he has lost.

Matthew is growing like crazy (but not crazy enough as far as the doctors are concerned. He’s in like the 2nd percentile in length and like the 10th percentile in weight. His doctor ordered a bunch of tests to make sure everything is OK. We go next week to Duke to rule out one last ailment. We aren’t worried. He is going to be small like his parents.) He crawls everywhere and is just beginning to enjoy the fun of the chase.

He loves to play with everything he can get his little hands on. And you can’t leave him alone for too long, or he will definitely find something he shouldn’t mess with. He likes to get into things.


He befriended a neighborhood kitty. She sits on the porch and he squeals at her. It is cute.

He took 2 unassisted steps yesterday. I cried tears of happiness that my little boy has accomplished something so wonderful and also tears of sadness that my little boy is growing up so fast. He has so much personality. He likes to “read” books himself. He loves music and crawls while bobbing his head to the beat. He loves to feed himself (aka make a mess). I don’t understand why he can find the smallest speck of dirt that I missed while sweeping and get it to his mouth, but the garden peas on his high chair tray manage to get mashed in his hair. He chatters away, especially when he is tired. No real words yet, but I know it’s just a matter of time. I try to savor every moment. Brian and I were talking about how sweet and wonderful some of our everyday moments as a family are and how sad it is that in a few months we won’t remember that particular moment. I guess in a way it is a blessing to have so many wonderful moments, that we won’t remember a particular instant on an ordinary afternoon. I guess that’s partly why I do this blog, as irregular as it is, as a way to capture some of the wonder of our ordinary days.

Saying Goodbye to Grandma Cathy

We had to say goodbye to Brian's mom, Cathy on Dec. 19 of this year. While we had been preparing for this moment for months, it still hit us pretty hard. Brian's mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer several months ago. The diagnosis came as no surprise given how long she had been a smoker. The doctors told her that they were going to treat it aggressively because there was some hope of her beating it. And knowing Cathy, we thought that there was some truth in that hope. You see for as long as I've known Cathy (13+ years), she has been sick off and on. She had been on a roller coaster ride of sickness and health. And I'm not talking just minor illnesses; she has had some major health battles. We always teased her saying that she was a Cat with nine lives. She always seemed to beat whatever was coming at her. I just thought she would continue to beat poor health. I know it is naive to think that, but I still did, even though I know lung cancer is majorly serious.

She was up and down with chemo. The dose that did the most good, put her in bed for days. The dose that let her function, didn't phase the tumors. She was in and out of the hospital, and even seemed to be knocking on death's door some days.


But then she'd have a good day. And she would tell us that she felt better than she had felt in a long time and she thought the treatment was making a difference. I know now that she hid some of her worst moments from us in an attempt to shield us. She always tried to put on a good front when we paid her Saturday morning visits. She almost always found the strength to play on the floor with Matthew and show him the turtles. She diligently tried to teach him the chicken dance along with Elmo. She didn't want to show us (and we didn't want to see) the extent of her health's decline.

We were supposed to celebrate Christmas with her on Dec 18. But she called Brian the night before and told him she just wasn't up to it. Brian said that she sounded tired and sick. She wanted a rain check. I told Brian that since she hadn't been feeling good most of the week, then she probably hadn't gotten a chance to record Matthew's story book. She got Matthew a book that she was going to record herself reading to him so that if this was her last Christmas, then at least he would grow up knowing what her voice sounded like. I still get choked up when I hear her in my mind telling me that when she showed me the book the week before.

The sequence of events and details of what happened on the 18th are not all clear to me and it doesn't really matter anyway. Sometime that night Cathy went into respiratory failure. CPR was performed and when the ambulance arrived the EMTs were able to detect a faint pulse. We got a phone call shortly after 10 pm saying that she had died, but they had gotten a faint pulse, so she was on the way to the emergency room. Brian got dressed and drove to the hospital in the sleet. Her heart stopped a couple of times and started back on its own. She was still fighting. But she never regained consciousness. Her vitals were poor and a ventilator was keeping her lungs going. She had told Brian in the past that she did not want to live that way. So after saying his goodbyes, Brian let the doctors turned off the ventilator. Cathy drifted away at 2:20 am on Dec 19.

Even almost 2 weeks later it is still hard to believe that she is really gone. Her funeral was on the 21st. Everyone was so shell shocked at how quickly she went downhill that funeral service planning was kind of a blur. We did lay her to rest according to what wishes we knew of. But we didn't get to have the service that Brian envisioned for his mom. Her service was the last real thing he could do for her. And he doesn't feel like he did his best. A funeral service is supposed to celebrate the life of the person who has left. It is a time for memories to be shared. It is a chance to shape how a person is remembered. Brian is saddened that her service didn't do this. No one got up to share any stories or memories. And honestly I don't know if anyone would have had the composure to do it. I know I wouldn't have, so I am going to memorialize her here in my blog.

I think my relationship with Cathy had many things in common with her relationships with her other loved ones. So I am sure that many of them will be able to identify with some of my feelings. My relationship with Cathy wasn't long in the span of her lifetime. But I do feel that in 13 years I got to know her pretty well and came to love her. I certainly had my ups and downs with Cathy. She was as stubborn as they come. When she got her mind set on something there wasn't anything you could say that would change it. That dogged determination was an obstacle when you were trying to convince her to do something for her own good (like go to the hospital when she didn't want to), but that same determination is what gave her the fight to overcome so many ailments. She could infuriate me at times to the point where I saw red, but she could also touch my heart so deeply that all I saw were tears. Through my relationship with Brian I got to witness her trials with battling sicknesses and prescription pill addictions and I got to witness her triumphs with getting clean and trying to get a handle on her health. Sometimes in death people remember only the good or only the bad. I know Cathy would want to be remembered realistically with both the good and the bad.

I have some regrets when it comes to Cathy. I am sure that I am not alone in that respect. Sometimes I let my anger over her choices get the best of me. I know her decisions made many of her loved ones furious. We all loved her and wanted what was best for her, but she didn't seem to always want what was best for herself. I regret that sometimes I let my anger get out of hand and I may have hurt her feelings. I regret that sometimes anger over her choices kept us apart. I regret that we didn't spend more time with her in the end, and I especially regret that we didn't go see her anyway on the 18th regardless of how she felt. We won't ever get that opportunity back. I regret that we never got around to videotaping her message to Matthew. I regret that we didn't take enough pictures with her and Matthew. I regret that every memory we will ever have of her is already made; there will be no new memories. But I will never regret knowing her and becoming a part of her family. I will never regret the things I learned from her - like don't take good health for granted, make the most of what you have, and love with all your heart.



Cathy was a special woman. She had an amazing patience when it came to elderly people. She loved to take care of them. She had a gift for it. It takes a special kind of person to look after people in the end stages of their lives. She also had that same kind of patience for children. All her nieces and nephews loved their Aunt Cat Cat. She wasn't afraid to act silly and play with the kids. She always had some toy or activity for the kids when they came to her house. Her love of children is something that became crystal clear to me once she realized Brian and I were serious about each other. When she realized that I was in this for the long haul, she began talking about wanting to be a grandma. She didn't just talk about having grandbabies, she began shopping for grandbabies. She bought bottles, toys, clothes, books, etc. She really wanted a grandchild to love and spoil. She talked about teaching her future grandchild to fish and hoping that child would love fishing as much as she did. (Cathy was a wonderful fisherwoman.) Of course in the beginning of this persistent conversation about babies, Brian and I weren't even married yet. And it drove me crazy - all the baby talk. Cathy thought we might never get married.

After waiting for us to get married for 9 years, she began to give up hope of ever having grandchildren. I will never forget how happy she was when we called her to tell her that we were pregnant. She was beyond thrilled. And I remember how her heart broke with ours when we lost that baby.

When we told her we were expecting again, she was elated. She called often to check on me and her grandbaby. She talked to my belly, introducing herself as "your crazy grandma" to the baby. She rubbed my belly, always anxious to feel her little grandbaby moving. But he wasn't cooperating; anytime he sensed her touching my stomach he would quit turning somersaults. I can close my eyes and still remember when she went to the doctor with us to see him on the ultrasound. Cathy tried to convince the doctor to tell us what name we had picked out (the doctor didn't know either). She was so amazed watching him wiggle around on the screen and when she got to hear his heartbeat she teared up. I think making her a grandma made her the happiest woman in the world. When Matthew finally arrived, she glowed. That first month, she called nearly everyday to check on us and talk to him. Whenever we would visit her she would act silly just to try to get a smile out Matthew. And when he finally got big enough to show some affection back with slobbery kisses, she was in heaven. She was in love with being a grandma. I am heartbroken that Matthew is only going to know her love through stories we share with him. For whatever faults Cathy had, she sure loved deeply and with her whole heart. And Matthew is going to miss out on knowing that love first hand.

Brian was talking with one of his aunts as he packaged up his mom's belongings. Brian got to reminisce as he looked through pictures. As he packed her things into a box, he got to see what things she really valued. Through all of her moves and hardships the things that mattered enough to hold onto - a box of adjustable rings that Brian bought her when he was on a field trip in elementary school, mother's day cards, Brian's baby book. Brian and Terry discussed how sad it is that an entire life can be reduced to boxes to be stored in someone's attic. But as I thought about that sad fact I came to the conclusion that Cathy's life is not reduced to boxes of belongings packed away in our attic. She was more than her stuff when she was alive and she is more than that now that she is gone. She lives on in our memories, stories and hearts. She lives on through the lives of her son and grandson and everyone else who loved her.

Cathy was a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a mom and a grandma. She served in each of these roles and was loved by those who saw her as these things. She will be missed terribly, forgotten never, and loved forever. Cathy, I as your daughter-in-law, want to say thank you for your part in my two greatest joys - Brian and Matthew. Without you, Brian wouldn't be the man he is today and I might not have fallen in love with him. If that hadn't happened, then I might not have Matthew. As the mother of a precious little boy, I see how a mother loves her son. And regardless of how it came out at times, I know that you loved Brian with all your heart. We love you and miss you.

30 days of Counting my Blessings

This blog is a little later than I meant for it to be. I worked on it every day of November and was supposed to post it on November 30. But as usual I am late. But better late than never. Because it is late I had to make some updates to it in ().

During this time of year we all try to give thanks for what we have. This year I have a lot of extra reasons to be thankful, so I decided to write something I was thankful for each day in my planner to blog about later. As I wrote each day I was reminded of an old hymn we sang at church when I was growing up. "Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings see what God has done." My blessings are many and God has done a lot for me. It is easy to forget how fortunate we are sometimes, until we see someone with so much less.

11-1 I am thankful to God for sending His son, Jesus, to die for me. Being a Christian and knowing for certain where I will spend eternity is such an incredible blessing. Forgiveness that I don't deserve is an unbelievable gift. Now that I am a parent I realize what a sacrifice God made by giving Jesus for me.

11-2 I am thankful for my wonderful husband, Brian. Brian always demonstrates his love for me. He is a wonderful man and a blessing to me. I am very fortunate that God put him in my life.







11-3 I am thankful for my healthy baby boy, Matthew. Matthew is the light of my life. Words can't express how much being his mommy means to me.








11-4 I am thankful for Christian parents who raised me with morals and values. I have a wonderful set of parents. They always showed me how much I was loved. They taught me so much. I pray that I do as good of a job with my own child as they did with me.

11-5 I am thankful for a terrific sister. I am so glad to have a little sister. As the years have progressed we have grown closer. Now that we are both raising sons, we have bonded even more. She has been an excellent sounding board as we navigate this new adventure together.

11-6 I am thankful for my grandparents. I was blessed enough to get to know all 4 of my grandparents and have them all at my wedding. And now 3 of them get to spoil Matthew like they spoiled me. Grandparents are a wealth of wisdom.


11-7 I am thankful for my best friend, Leslie, who is always here for me when I need her. No matter how many miles separate us physically, she is always in my heart.

11-8 I am thankful for a good job. In these economic times, many people are without jobs. I am blessed not only to have a job, but to have a good job with a company who cares about its employees.

11-9 I am thankful for my home. Brian and I work really hard to have a home of our own. It is a blessing that we often take for granted. But as I see so many homeless people, I know that having a warm, safe place to rest is blessing.

11-10 I am thankful for all the memories of those that I love. I have countless memories stored in my head and heart to share with Matthew about the people who he will grow up knowing and those who have already left this world, but who would have loved to know him. (I am sad to add his Grandma Cathy to the list of ones who have already left this world. She passed away on Dec 19.)

11-11 I am thankful for my sweet nephew, Ayden. He turns one today, Veteran's Day. He is a delight. I don't get to see him much, but as far as he is concerned, his Aunt Charli is not a stranger. He is always eager to climb up in my lap.

11-12 I am thankful for soldiers who fight for my freedom. I thank God that He allowed me to be born in a free country. I know that my freedom comes at a heavy price to others. I am thankful for their service and sacrifice.

11-13 I am thankful for all the new lives in our family. Brian and I have many new babies to celebrate - Ayden, Katie and Ethan who are all a year old, Liza and Kylie who are a little younger than Matthew and Shelby and Bentley who haven't arrived yet. New babies are such a miracle and should be treasured. (Bentley arrived via C section on Dec 23.)

11-14 I am thankful for safe travels. We do a lot of traveling during the holidays. Now with a new life to be responsible for, I am more thankful than ever for just arriving safely to our destinations.

11-15 I am thankful for my extended family who I don't get to see often enough. I have so many happy memories involving my extended family and Brian's as well. I want Matthew to have memories of those special people also. I wish we saw them all more often.

11-16 I am thankful to wake up to Matthew's sweet smile and happy babbles. He wakes up happy nearly every morning. He greets me with a huge grin and starts chattering away. If I pretend that I am still asleep, he reaches out and rubs my cheeks to get my attention. It makes every day seem beautiful and it is a great way to start my day.

11-17 I am thankful for reliable transportation. Commuting an hour one way to work everyday makes me very thankful to have a car I can depend on.

11-18 I am thankful for good health. I have always kind of taken my health for granted. I mean I catch the occasional cold or stomach bug. But I have never had any serious ailments. Now with my mother-in-law battling cancer, I appreciate my good health and Brian's all the more. (Cathy lost her battle with cancer, but she is in pain no longer.)

11-19 I am thankful for the little baby I have up in heaven that made me a mommy, baby Logan. Motherhood has a whole new meaning for me now that I have a baby that I am actually raising, but I still think of my heavenly little one. I appreciate that little life, even though it was brief.

11-20 I am thankful for chaos and mess. With a mobile baby, my life is full of messes. But even though the mess drives Brian crazy (and therefore gets me some nagging), I am thankful to have stuff that a mess can be created from. Brian and I are very blessed to have things. I wish it would keep itself clean and organized, but life is too short to get all worked up about a little chaos. My little mess maker is too precious to get upset with.

11-21 I am thankful for a good home for Ivan. Ivan was my sweet green baby (a 5ft iguana). When Matthew was about to arrive, we had to find a good place for Ivan to live because I wasn't going to have time or space for him anymore. I still miss him, but he is with a wonderful family who loves him dearly. So I am thankful that Darry had it in her heart to take my sweet boy into her heart and home.

11-22 In this day and age where knowledge truly is power, I am thankful for my education. I have always enjoyed learning and I am glad to have had the opportunity to go to college and to graduate school. No one will ever be able to take my education away from me.

11-23 I am thankful that I get to watch Matthew as he learns. Each day he makes a new discovery. He truly is a little sponge just absorbing everything. I can see the light bulb go on when he figures something new out. It is so amazing watching him contemplate things.

11-24 I am thankful for the holiday season. Even though Christmas is a busy time of year it is a joyous time. I am thankful to have the opportunity to spend time with loved ones and make new memories.

11-25 I am thankful for a strong marriage. With divorce so prevalent in our world right now, I am so appreciative of a strong, happy marriage. Brian is my rock when I am upset, my sounding board when I am frustrated, and my joy every day.

11-26 I am thankful for good food. Eating all the wonderful home cooked goodies yesterday made me really miss all the meals I used to have. I am not much of a cook and I don't really have time to do a lot of cooking anyway, so I really appreciate the wonderful food at Thanksgiving.

11-27 I am thankful that we have enough. Sometimes I wish we had more and sometimes it feels like what we do have isn't going to stretch far enough. But we always seem to have enough to make it.

11-28 I am so thankful for a beautiful world. God's creation is glorious. I am amazed by nature. I don't know how anyone can look around them and not believe that a master creator fashioned all of this.

11-29 I am thankful for flexibility at work. I am home sick with a fever and no one at work gave me a hard time about needing to stay home and get well. That's one of the reasons I love the company I work for.

11-30 I am thankful for health insurance that lets me afford to go to the doctor when I feel bad. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have that luxury.

After 30 days of being thankful for my many blessings, I realized that I am blessed immeasurably. I can't count all of the things I am thankful for, and I am sure that no matter how tough things are for you right now if you stop and count, you won't be able to count all your blessings either.