It's Potty Time!

(Note: this blog was written by Brian. It was typed and edited for content by Charlotte.)

To anyone who knows me this has to be one heck of a surprise. Considering I've never posted anything before and may never post again. What prompted me to post this today was my son, Matthew. Today he pottied on a big boy toilet and he was so proud of himself. Now to anyone who doesn't have a kid, this may seem like such a small thing. But as a parent it was pretty dang cool. This is one of those moments I would have loved to pick up the phone and called my mom because she would have understood how much it meant.

I have a picture of my mom and Matthew together on the dresser in his room. While showing him the picture I explained to him how much she loved him and how proud she would be to see him now. He kissed the picture and said "uvvv youuuu" (his version of "I love you"). I miss my mother very much. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her. I would give anything to be able to tell my mom one more time how much I love her and how grateful I am for all she ever did for me and the sacrifices that she and my dad made for me. I can't do that, but I can say to my family and friends I love you and thank you for always being there (from birth, to babysitting, holidays, birthday parties, graduation, my wedding day, late night parties, cookouts, powerlifting meets, vacations, the day my son was born and everything in between). Thanks.

(photo was chosen carefully so as to not be guilty of kiddie porn. this picture is actually of him sitting on his new potty, which was purchased after he pottied in the regular potty.)

PS In case you are wondering - not a drop to drink, just a lot on my mind.

Fa La La La La

Wow where did the year go? I have let too much time slip by without a real update to my blog.

In our small world a lot has changed but from the outside it isn't really noticeable. I don’t know if Matthew is getting better at talking to us or we are just learning Matt-enese, but we are really starting to understand quite a lot that he says. We have to translate for others at least half the time. But it is so refreshing to know what he wants almost half the time. He learns new words nearly everyday. And he is just learning how to jump. It is very cute to watch him try to get his little feet off the floor. I am learning just how persistent a toddler can be when he wants something. It is very hard to dissuade him when he sets his mind on something. Lately his mind has been set on the Nickelodeon show “Legends of Kung Fu Panda”. He absolutely LOVES the show.

He kicks his little leg and makes kung fu noises (whuuh-whuh). He asks to watch “Pan” everyday, several times a day. He is intolerant of commercials during “Pan”, so we have to stop whatever we are doing to fast-forward for him. We have like 10 episodes on our DVR. It is quite possible that we watch half of them a day. He is also addicted to a song that I have to listen to in the car everyday at least 6 times in a row. It is Uncle Kracker’s “Celebrate”. In it the phrase “bop, bop, shew be du wop” gets repeated several times. So Matthew asks for the “bop, bop, shew, shew” music every time we get in the car. He loves to sing along. He also really enjoys singing Heart’s “Alone.” I must say that he does a pretty good job on the chorus and his face looks like he is really into it.

Since my last real update back in November, Matthew moved up to the 2 year old room at daycare. I will admit that I had some serious reservations about this early move. Matthew had only been in the one year old room for 6 months. In my mind there is a reason that the rooms are separated by age. And only the parent of toddler can truly understand the developmental differences there are in a one year old and a two year old, even in an 18 month old and a 22 month old. It seems that every month comes with so much development. And I was comfortable with the setup, the curriculum, the schedule, and well pretty much everything in the one year old room. I really loved his teacher and so did he. But a lot of younger one year olds were about to enroll, so there was some discussion about how to best accommodate these new students. It was determined that Matthew was advanced enough to move into the 2 year old room, along with a couple of other older one year olds. He seems to have adjusted pretty well. On his first day in that room, he came home with a new favorite word – NO (and not just no, but emphatically NO). His new teacher loves him just as much as his one year old teacher, but she is stricter and more “no nonsense”. Maybe the move was just in time to give him some extra firmness and discipline to help temper the early onset of terrible twos. Or maybe the move caused the early onset. Either way, my sweet little boy has turned into baby Jekyll and Sweetie Pie. One instant he is yelling “No” and saying “Mine” as he snatches something or chunks it across the room and the very next instant he is looking all sad saying “I sorr” (I sorry) and giving kisses. I think he knows that his smile is our kryptonite. It is so hard to stay mad and keep my firm voice when disciplining him when he flashes those dimples at me. But I keep telling myself that it is my responsibility to raise a nice boy. Each day at daycare without time spent in timeout is a victory. I pray that terrible twos is a short lived phase and quickly passes into terrific twos. The new classroom came with homework for mommy and daddy if you can believe it. In the little over a month Matthew has been in his new class, we have already had to do 2 family projects - make a turkey at Thanksgiving and a gingerbread house for Christmas. They were fun. Matthew loves crafts (just like his mommy). And he only ate paint twice. So I count that as a success. The hard part of the projects was that I didn't have enough time to do everything I envisioned.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving. Matthew enjoyed spending time with his extended family and playing with his cousins. He really enjoyed decorating the Christmas trees.

He also wanted to look at “baby Jee” in each nativity scene he saw. He only messed with the presents under the tree once, which we only put his presents under the tree so that we wouldn’t have to re-wrap anybody’s gifts. He seemed to really to understand the concept of opening presents this year.

He unwrapped his and helped others open their gifts too.

He did get bored after awhile with opening everything if he had too large of a pile in front of him. Which I can understand, he wanted to play with his cool new toys. He really enjoys his new John Deer tractor that “Pop Pop” got for him.

He also was thrilled with his new 410 shotgun from Me-Ma and Pappy.

He loves “pow pows” so he can “shoo, shoo”. He enjoys pretend shooting Brian with a Nerf gun. Of course we will put his shotgun up for him until he gets big enough to understand proper gun safety. I know Pappy can’t wait until he can get both his boys in the woods on a hunt. Matthew also has been vacuuming the house with his toy Dirt Devil and playing with all the animals for his Little People Zoo. I told Brian, that we need to build an addition to the zoo to properly house all the animals that everyone got for him. As we unloaded all the gifts from the car, we had quite a physical reminder of how much everyone loves Matthew. We are so blessed. I don’t know where we are going to store the fruits of all this love, but we will manage. I think we could open our own toy store, but Matthew really loves his new toys.

As I prepare to say goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012 I want to remember all the fun, happy times from 2011. This past year has been filled with many precious moments and I know that I don't take enough time to really pause and appreciate them. I pray that I get better at really appreciating all my blessings. I don't know what 2012 has in store for us, but I pray it is filled with twice as much laughter as 2011, half the heartache and struggles, and more love than I can measure.

a year has passed

I haven’t updated in awhile. And this isn’t really an update this time. This is more about remembering the significance of today.

A year ago today my mother-in-law, Cathy, passed away. In some ways I can hardly believe that it has already been a year. What's a year? 12 months, 52 weeks, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds. One trip around the sun.

Some days the pain of her death is so fresh, that it is like it just happened. Sometimes I catch myself referring to her in the present tense, even though I have had a year to adjust to her absence. And other times it is like she has been gone for a really long time - like when I sit and try to remember her laugh or smile or just the tone of her voice. Sometimes I can’t recall those small details and in the course of just a year, you shouldn’t forget those things. Sometimes it seems so hard to hold onto the details of her. And I feel like I need to hang onto the details, like I owe it to her and Matthew to keep her memory alive. My heart aches for the pain I know Brian is in because he misses her and he feels that he left too much unsaid. My heart breaks for Matthew and the fact that he didn’t get a chance to know his Grandma Cathy. Sometimes I am angry that choices she made cheated Brian out of more time with her, cheated Matthew out of getting a chance to know her, cheated herself out of the opportunities to spend time with people who loved her so much. I am angry with myself for being angry with her, when she isn’t here any longer. The anger is short lived and the moments are few. Most of the time I am just sad that she isn’t here.

And I can’t believe all the things she has missed out on with Matthew in the course of a single year, just 12 short months – first Christmas, first steps, first birthday, first words, first haircut, dancing, really communicating. He is really becoming quite an amazing little person. He has such personality. He teases, plays, jokes. I really wish Cathy could be here to see it all. She would be in complete awe of her grandson. She would proudly hang his latest masterpiece on her wall. She would anxiously await new pictures. She would enjoy trying to convince him to talk to her on the telephone. And she would treasure every minute she could spend with him.

As this anniversary of her death approached, I read back over the memorial blog I wrote to her at the end of last year and I realize that it still hurts just as much when I think of all that we lost when she died. But I also am able to smile as I recall happy memories of her. I know that as time passes, the hurt won't be as acute and sharp. It will still be there, but the joy of having known her will overshadow the loss. I know you are up there Cathy looking down on us occassionally. We love you and miss you. We are glad that your pain is no more. And we have faith that we will be reunited with you one day.

We miss you so very much. You are not forgotten and you are deeply loved.

Through the Eyes of a Child

Matthew had his 18 month checkup a week ago. Everything was great. The doctor was pleased with all his developmental milestones and his growth. I am awestruck by how quickly he is growing up on me.

We have been really enjoying Matthew’s increased communication skills. He tries to repeat things we say. It is so refreshing when he can say what he wants instead of grunting. Don’t get me wrong, we are a long way from full on communication. But we understand at least half of what he says. Because of his doctor appointment, I had to count up how many words he uses regularly and I was pleasantly surprised – over 30. And that’s not counting words that he has said occasionally. He is starting to form short sentences - "where go", "whats dat", "i hide", "mama sit", etc.

Speaking of "where go?", where is the time going? October is gone. I feel like I have blinked the year away. I can’t believe that Christmas is just around the corner. Brian and I actually started our Christmas shopping this weekend. I feel like we were just celebrating Matthew’s first Christmas yesterday. It was quite the challenge having Matthew with us as we shopped. The problem is not that I think he will recognize something we want to stash away for him, but rather he thinks everything we put in the cart is his. He says “mine” about everything. All the kids are getting toys that Matthew tried out as we shopped. He made sure they were all in good working order, even the girl toys. It was fun shopping though. We are trying to shop a little all along, so that our pocket book doesn’t take such a huge hit all at one time.

I just love Christmas. I have always loved it, but I love it even more now that I have Matthew. I can’t wait to teach him about why we celebrate Christmas. Brian and I are still trying to figure out what traditions we want to start with our little family. As Matthew gets older, they will become more important. I loved the traditions that I grew up with.

It’s amazing how parenthood changes your vision. Colors are brighter, people are nicer, and things are more beautiful. Everything in my life has a new joy to it with him. I often think about how Matthew views the world. He is totally unaware that there is bad or evil out there. As we walk through the store with him holding one of our hands, he cheerfully waves at everyone we meet and says “Hi” in the sweetest voice. He blows goodbye kisses to every cashier. He wants to play with every child. He has no idea that people can be mean, spiteful and hurtful. He doesn’t realize that people kill each other over trivial things like skin color, clothes, backgrounds, and a whole host of other things. When I look at his sweet little face, I think about how blessed he is to be untainted by this world yet. And I wish he could forever remain so innocent and unexposed to life’s hardships. I pray the world will get better – that people will become more civilized – by the time he is old enough to understand. I pray he won’t learn the hatred that some have for those who are different. I hope he always sees the good in others. Childhood innocence is so beautiful. Children are the perfect illustration of God’s love. Not only are they miracles fashioned by God. But they love without judgment, unconditionally. And they love everyone. God tells us to love one another as He has first loved us. God created us all and He loves us all, even those who don’t love Him. Why can’t we all see the world with the innocence of a child? Why can’t we all have a childlike faith in mankind?

Mom-tober

I can not believe it is already October. Where has the time gone? In a few days Matthew will be 18 months old. It is hard to believe that in another 6 months he will be 2 years old. It is also hard to believe that had our first pregnancy not ended, Logan would be 2 years old this week. I thank God everyday for both my children – the one I got to carry only under my heart who will never grow up and the one I get to carry in my arms and watch grow everyday. October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So it is extra fitting to think of Logan and be extra thankful for Matthew’s health right now. I don't know why things turned out like they did. I don't know why God chose to give us Logan for such a short time. But I am so grateful that He had Matthew in store for us. I know that Matthew was the plan even before I became pregnant the first time. I don't have to understand the reasons why things turned out the way they did. I don't even ask why anymore. I accept that there are things we just aren't meant to understand. I can tell that I am truly healing from that loss and it is because of the gift of Matthew. I can think about Logan up in Heaven without crying. I will always be a mommy of 2. Not many people would understand why I see myself that way, and maybe some think I don't deserve to think that way since I haven't had the challenge of parenting 2 children. But I helped make 2, I carried 2 and I love 2. Matthew consumes most of my thoughts now, but that's because I don't have to worry about my little one living in Heaven. That one can't get into trouble. That one doesn't need me to parent it. But Matthew does. It is a responsibility I accept with my whole heart and pray I do a good job at it. I appreciate Matthew so very much. He is such a miracle. I can't picture my life without him. So I thank God for the path He had me travel to get and appreciate the amazing gift He blessed me with.

A lady who has a miscarriage ministry creates these true to life replicas of babies who go to Heaven from the womb. I just got this one a few weeks ago. I had been on the waiting list since my miscarriage. This little doll is one she made for me in honor of baby Logan. It is the size of a 7 week old baby in utero, which is about the time that Logan's heart stopped beating. The doll has little arms and legs. It helps people realize that babies lost, even early, are real people too. The necklace is one that I wear in honor of Logan. The footprints are the size of a 12 week baby in utero. These two things help solidify to me the fact that I am a mother of 2 miracles from Heaven. One was physically with me for just a short while, but both will be in heart forever.

Anyway, not much has been going on since my last update. Matthew’s teacher and I both think Matthew is hitting the terrible 2’s early. He has been spending some quality time in time-out almost daily at daycare. He isn’t listening well and is climbing on all the furniture (just like all the boys in his class). At least he plays well with others and isn’t in trouble for bullying. The other night I had to pop his hands for hitting Brian when he didn't get his way. When I did that he just cried and cried. He buried his little head in my neck and said “I bad. I bad”. It broke my heart. He did say he was sorry and finally calmed down.

Matthew is quite clever. If I put something on his plate he doesn't want to eat, he sneakily lowers it into the seat of his high chair when no one is watching. He is starting to make 2 word sentences now. We are starting to understand more of what he says now. I love being a mom. I am just in awe of my son. He is an amazing little person. I see bits of Brian and myself emerging from him daily. But he is more than a jig saw puzzle of me and Brian. He is a perfect blend of us and our families, but still a unique little person too. We even catch glimpses of Cathy in him, especially when he dances. He has some of her silly moves. It is nice to see something of her living on in Matthew. I mean he isn't just mine and Brian's legacy; he is our parents' legacies too. He is a bit impatient like me and Brian. He wants things just so like Brian (he can’t leave the wipe container open and he has to immediately clean up water splashes). Things hurt his feelings pretty easily like me (he often cries when he thinks I am mad at him). He has a quick temper sometimes like Brian (he will throw a little fit to get his way), but gets over things quickly (as soon as I ignore the tantrum he moves on to trying to make me smile). He is so funny and wants to be the life of the party. He focuses intently on whatever he is doing like me. He loves to pretend. He pretends to take medicine, he pushes his Elmo around in a stroller pretending to parent, he pretends to use a screw driver. It just amazes me the things he picks up on. We really have to be careful what we do in front of him. Because he is always watching and learning from what he sees.

Brian showed him how to play golf - in the house.

Wrapping Up Summer

Matthew is taking a little nap so I thought I would update my blog and add a few new pictures.

Time is flying by. I just realized that I have been writing this blog for over a year now. A lot has changed in a year’s time, but a lot has stayed the same. When I started the blog one of the first things I typed was about how much of what I would write wouldn’t be earth shattering or extremely important, but would be pretty much an update of what is going on with us. That is still the case. When I sat down today to type I realized that there really isn’t a lot to talk about.

My sweet little baby has become an adorable toddler. He is growing up so fast. He is showing interest in potty and often says “me pee pee” to let me know he needs a diaper. He is talking more every day. I don’t always understand what he is saying, but he is trying to communicate. He loves to sit and read books to himself or his stuffed animals. And he climbs on EVERYTHING.

He is going to turn all my hair gray before he goes off to kindergarten. He likes to do things for himself, but he wants you to watch him. He wants to help with everything - cleaning, couponing, cooking, you name it and he wants to do it. It is like my life is stuck on the Matthew channel, because he wants all of my attention.

I think we may be getting a taste of the terrible twos already. On Thursday of last week I actually got a note sent home from his teacher to let me know how badly he had behaved. It said, “Matthew did not have on his listening ears today. He climbed on everything he could, threw food from the table and refused to lay on his mat at naptime. He talked very loudly all day, almost as if he was shouting.” His teacher told me that he used his time-out time to catch his second wind. Friday was a little better. He has been trying his luck this weekend with poor table manners and not listening. Time-out at home breaks his heart because he doesn’t like to be separated from me and Brian. We sit him in the corner and ignore him. It is such a challenge because he won’t do something he has been punished for sometimes for several days, but then other times it is like he does not remember that he got in trouble 5 minutes ago for the same action. We do pop him sometimes, probably not as often as some people think we should, but I don’t want to teach him to hit others when he feels they were “bad”. Popping him is my last resort and I finally understand when my parents said that spanking hurt them more than it hurt me. Last night I was so aggravated because he refused to lie down and go to bed. He was tired, but he didn’t want to miss anything. I don’t know why I think that I can reason with a 17 month old. But it is hard to stay annoyed when he wraps his arms around my neck and says “ma-ma” and just hugs me for all he is worth. I think he knows that I can’t stay mad when he is all sweet like that.

Summer is pretty much over. Not officially according to the temperature or the calendar. But for all practical purposes it is over. We had a pretty good summer. We didn’t really do anything special. We visited some family and just spent time together. We got to spend some wonderful quality time with Brian’s family about a month ago. It was so nice to have everyone get together and just have fun. Unfortunately we don’t all get together too often unless it is for a funeral. Brian and I want Matthew to have a close connection with both of our families. We want him to grow up with lots of memories of his extended family. It is sad that we don’t get to spend time together more often. I understand why we don’t. We all are busy and have our own families. It is hard to plan something and get everyone together. I hope that Matthew will grow up knowing all these people, even if he only sees some of them a couple times a year. We really missed having Cathy there. She would have had a blast.

Matthew and I met Me-Ma, Pappy, Aunty Christy and Ayden at Chuck E Cheese’s a couple of weeks ago. The boys had a ball. They really enjoy playing together. I am glad that they get along so well, even though they don’t get to play together on a regular basis.

I guess I should wrap this up. Matthew is starting to stir. So the quiet will be over soon.

Pictures are Memories and Memories are Priceless

With my long commute to work and back, I often have extra time to ponder (only if Matthew is sleeping of course. Otherwise I have to talk to him and entertain him.) Anyway, I have been thinking about all the things that I have learned as a mom and all the things I wish I had known before embarking on this motherhood journey. There are lots of tidbits that I heard before Matthew arrived that are valuable, whether I believed so at the time or not: sleep when he sleeps (heard that countless times, but still couldn't seem to do it), clean later, cherish the baby days because they are too short (I realize this more and more with each passing day). And things I now realize: my patience has seemed to grow, my ability to get everything done has disappeared, my brain thinks of Matthew first in every situation, nothing about my kid grosses me out, things I would never tolerate from other children doesn’t cause me to bat an eye when Matthew does it.

But of all the things that I have learned or been told, my most valuable piece of advice is: Take pictures. If there were ever anything that I wanted to tell another mother, it is that. Sometime at a later date, these images will become so precious and priceless to you that you would be willing to take on a burning building, an angry bear, or a psycho-serial killer to save them.

I have heard so many people (myself included) who say things along the lines of “I wish I had a picture of him at that age,” or “I wish I had a photo of him doing this,” or “I wish I could show you what you looked like when ….” I believe that you can’t take too many pictures. You don’t have to print them all, but you will want to save them all. The first 6 months of Matthew’s life I took at least 150 pictures EACH month. (I know that sounds crazy, but it is the truth.) I still average nearly 100 photos per month now and Matthew is 17 months old. And there are still moments that I don’t have captured on film. I wish that I had taken more pictures of him with his Grandma Cathy before she passed away. And I can’t go back and get those priceless images to preserve for Matthew.

So fellow Mommies remember that kids change before your very eyes, and our memories are faulty, even if we don’t believe them to be. It doesn’t matter if you are a good photographer or if you have an expensive camera, you can preserve these priceless memories. I enjoy looking at photos from my childhood and many of them are grainy or blurry. But enough of the image exists for it to spark a memory for me or my family in order to tell the story.

I have tried to stage some really cute and artsy photos to take of Matthew. That generally doesn’t work. And many of the photos I take are a split second too late to get the face or smile I am trying to capture. And I have learned that Matthew is generally too quick to catch good images of. But I still snap the shots and save them. My point is don’t get wrapped up in taking perfect photos just TAKE THEM.

Someday when your son towers over you or your daughter is putting on makeup, you will be able to see your babies any time you want, at any stage of their lives you want. Someday, you will miss those grubby little faces covered in spaghetti sauce and the skinned knees and messy hair. Taking pictures ensures you will never have to let those memories fade.

Speaking of pictures, I finally got around to getting Matthew’s one year portraits made. I was only 4 months late. And wouldn’t you know a week after I got the prints back daycare had a photographer come in to take the kids’ portraits. As horrible as this sounds, I kind of hope that the images from daycare aren’t too spectacular. Because then I will definitely want to buy them and I just bought the others. I can’t seem to resist pictures of my son. I think that is all mothers, which is probably why the photographer comes to daycare twice a year. Anyway the pictures from Wal-mart turned out OK. Matthew didn’t want to smile really. But at least he didn’t cry.

We had Matthew’s picture made with Brian and Gene to get 3 generations of Stanley men in a photo together. That was one thing that Grandma Cathy had wanted us to do from the time that Matthew was born. I am sorry that she didn’t get to see the finished product.