I can not believe it is already October. Where has the time gone? In a few days Matthew will be 18 months old. It is hard to believe that in another 6 months he will be 2 years old. It is also hard to believe that had our first pregnancy not ended, Logan would be 2 years old this week. I thank God everyday for both my children – the one I got to carry only under my heart who will never grow up and the one I get to carry in my arms and watch grow everyday. October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So it is extra fitting to think of Logan and be extra thankful for Matthew’s health right now. I don't know why things turned out like they did. I don't know why God chose to give us Logan for such a short time. But I am so grateful that He had Matthew in store for us. I know that Matthew was the plan even before I became pregnant the first time. I don't have to understand the reasons why things turned out the way they did. I don't even ask why anymore. I accept that there are things we just aren't meant to understand. I can tell that I am truly healing from that loss and it is because of the gift of Matthew. I can think about Logan up in Heaven without crying. I will always be a mommy of 2. Not many people would understand why I see myself that way, and maybe some think I don't deserve to think that way since I haven't had the challenge of parenting 2 children. But I helped make 2, I carried 2 and I love 2. Matthew consumes most of my thoughts now, but that's because I don't have to worry about my little one living in Heaven. That one can't get into trouble. That one doesn't need me to parent it. But Matthew does. It is a responsibility I accept with my whole heart and pray I do a good job at it. I appreciate Matthew so very much. He is such a miracle. I can't picture my life without him. So I thank God for the path He had me travel to get and appreciate the amazing gift He blessed me with.
A lady who has a miscarriage ministry creates these true to life replicas of babies who go to Heaven from the womb. I just got this one a few weeks ago. I had been on the waiting list since my miscarriage. This little doll is one she made for me in honor of baby Logan. It is the size of a 7 week old baby in utero, which is about the time that Logan's heart stopped beating. The doll has little arms and legs. It helps people realize that babies lost, even early, are real people too. The necklace is one that I wear in honor of Logan. The footprints are the size of a 12 week baby in utero. These two things help solidify to me the fact that I am a mother of 2 miracles from Heaven. One was physically with me for just a short while, but both will be in heart forever.
Anyway, not much has been going on since my last update. Matthew’s teacher and I both think Matthew is hitting the terrible 2’s early. He has been spending some quality time in time-out almost daily at daycare. He isn’t listening well and is climbing on all the furniture (just like all the boys in his class). At least he plays well with others and isn’t in trouble for bullying. The other night I had to pop his hands for hitting Brian when he didn't get his way. When I did that he just cried and cried. He buried his little head in my neck and said “I bad. I bad”. It broke my heart. He did say he was sorry and finally calmed down.
Matthew is quite clever. If I put something on his plate he doesn't want to eat, he sneakily lowers it into the seat of his high chair when no one is watching. He is starting to make 2 word sentences now. We are starting to understand more of what he says now. I love being a mom. I am just in awe of my son. He is an amazing little person. I see bits of Brian and myself emerging from him daily. But he is more than a jig saw puzzle of me and Brian. He is a perfect blend of us and our families, but still a unique little person too. We even catch glimpses of Cathy in him, especially when he dances. He has some of her silly moves. It is nice to see something of her living on in Matthew. I mean he isn't just mine and Brian's legacy; he is our parents' legacies too. He is a bit impatient like me and Brian. He wants things just so like Brian (he can’t leave the wipe container open and he has to immediately clean up water splashes). Things hurt his feelings pretty easily like me (he often cries when he thinks I am mad at him). He has a quick temper sometimes like Brian (he will throw a little fit to get his way), but gets over things quickly (as soon as I ignore the tantrum he moves on to trying to make me smile). He is so funny and wants to be the life of the party. He focuses intently on whatever he is doing like me. He loves to pretend. He pretends to take medicine, he pushes his Elmo around in a stroller pretending to parent, he pretends to use a screw driver. It just amazes me the things he picks up on. We really have to be careful what we do in front of him. Because he is always watching and learning from what he sees.
Brian showed him how to play golf - in the house.
