Fa La La La La

Wow where did the year go? I have let too much time slip by without a real update to my blog.

In our small world a lot has changed but from the outside it isn't really noticeable. I don’t know if Matthew is getting better at talking to us or we are just learning Matt-enese, but we are really starting to understand quite a lot that he says. We have to translate for others at least half the time. But it is so refreshing to know what he wants almost half the time. He learns new words nearly everyday. And he is just learning how to jump. It is very cute to watch him try to get his little feet off the floor. I am learning just how persistent a toddler can be when he wants something. It is very hard to dissuade him when he sets his mind on something. Lately his mind has been set on the Nickelodeon show “Legends of Kung Fu Panda”. He absolutely LOVES the show.

He kicks his little leg and makes kung fu noises (whuuh-whuh). He asks to watch “Pan” everyday, several times a day. He is intolerant of commercials during “Pan”, so we have to stop whatever we are doing to fast-forward for him. We have like 10 episodes on our DVR. It is quite possible that we watch half of them a day. He is also addicted to a song that I have to listen to in the car everyday at least 6 times in a row. It is Uncle Kracker’s “Celebrate”. In it the phrase “bop, bop, shew be du wop” gets repeated several times. So Matthew asks for the “bop, bop, shew, shew” music every time we get in the car. He loves to sing along. He also really enjoys singing Heart’s “Alone.” I must say that he does a pretty good job on the chorus and his face looks like he is really into it.

Since my last real update back in November, Matthew moved up to the 2 year old room at daycare. I will admit that I had some serious reservations about this early move. Matthew had only been in the one year old room for 6 months. In my mind there is a reason that the rooms are separated by age. And only the parent of toddler can truly understand the developmental differences there are in a one year old and a two year old, even in an 18 month old and a 22 month old. It seems that every month comes with so much development. And I was comfortable with the setup, the curriculum, the schedule, and well pretty much everything in the one year old room. I really loved his teacher and so did he. But a lot of younger one year olds were about to enroll, so there was some discussion about how to best accommodate these new students. It was determined that Matthew was advanced enough to move into the 2 year old room, along with a couple of other older one year olds. He seems to have adjusted pretty well. On his first day in that room, he came home with a new favorite word – NO (and not just no, but emphatically NO). His new teacher loves him just as much as his one year old teacher, but she is stricter and more “no nonsense”. Maybe the move was just in time to give him some extra firmness and discipline to help temper the early onset of terrible twos. Or maybe the move caused the early onset. Either way, my sweet little boy has turned into baby Jekyll and Sweetie Pie. One instant he is yelling “No” and saying “Mine” as he snatches something or chunks it across the room and the very next instant he is looking all sad saying “I sorr” (I sorry) and giving kisses. I think he knows that his smile is our kryptonite. It is so hard to stay mad and keep my firm voice when disciplining him when he flashes those dimples at me. But I keep telling myself that it is my responsibility to raise a nice boy. Each day at daycare without time spent in timeout is a victory. I pray that terrible twos is a short lived phase and quickly passes into terrific twos. The new classroom came with homework for mommy and daddy if you can believe it. In the little over a month Matthew has been in his new class, we have already had to do 2 family projects - make a turkey at Thanksgiving and a gingerbread house for Christmas. They were fun. Matthew loves crafts (just like his mommy). And he only ate paint twice. So I count that as a success. The hard part of the projects was that I didn't have enough time to do everything I envisioned.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving. Matthew enjoyed spending time with his extended family and playing with his cousins. He really enjoyed decorating the Christmas trees.

He also wanted to look at “baby Jee” in each nativity scene he saw. He only messed with the presents under the tree once, which we only put his presents under the tree so that we wouldn’t have to re-wrap anybody’s gifts. He seemed to really to understand the concept of opening presents this year.

He unwrapped his and helped others open their gifts too.

He did get bored after awhile with opening everything if he had too large of a pile in front of him. Which I can understand, he wanted to play with his cool new toys. He really enjoys his new John Deer tractor that “Pop Pop” got for him.

He also was thrilled with his new 410 shotgun from Me-Ma and Pappy.

He loves “pow pows” so he can “shoo, shoo”. He enjoys pretend shooting Brian with a Nerf gun. Of course we will put his shotgun up for him until he gets big enough to understand proper gun safety. I know Pappy can’t wait until he can get both his boys in the woods on a hunt. Matthew also has been vacuuming the house with his toy Dirt Devil and playing with all the animals for his Little People Zoo. I told Brian, that we need to build an addition to the zoo to properly house all the animals that everyone got for him. As we unloaded all the gifts from the car, we had quite a physical reminder of how much everyone loves Matthew. We are so blessed. I don’t know where we are going to store the fruits of all this love, but we will manage. I think we could open our own toy store, but Matthew really loves his new toys.

As I prepare to say goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012 I want to remember all the fun, happy times from 2011. This past year has been filled with many precious moments and I know that I don't take enough time to really pause and appreciate them. I pray that I get better at really appreciating all my blessings. I don't know what 2012 has in store for us, but I pray it is filled with twice as much laughter as 2011, half the heartache and struggles, and more love than I can measure.

a year has passed

I haven’t updated in awhile. And this isn’t really an update this time. This is more about remembering the significance of today.

A year ago today my mother-in-law, Cathy, passed away. In some ways I can hardly believe that it has already been a year. What's a year? 12 months, 52 weeks, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds. One trip around the sun.

Some days the pain of her death is so fresh, that it is like it just happened. Sometimes I catch myself referring to her in the present tense, even though I have had a year to adjust to her absence. And other times it is like she has been gone for a really long time - like when I sit and try to remember her laugh or smile or just the tone of her voice. Sometimes I can’t recall those small details and in the course of just a year, you shouldn’t forget those things. Sometimes it seems so hard to hold onto the details of her. And I feel like I need to hang onto the details, like I owe it to her and Matthew to keep her memory alive. My heart aches for the pain I know Brian is in because he misses her and he feels that he left too much unsaid. My heart breaks for Matthew and the fact that he didn’t get a chance to know his Grandma Cathy. Sometimes I am angry that choices she made cheated Brian out of more time with her, cheated Matthew out of getting a chance to know her, cheated herself out of the opportunities to spend time with people who loved her so much. I am angry with myself for being angry with her, when she isn’t here any longer. The anger is short lived and the moments are few. Most of the time I am just sad that she isn’t here.

And I can’t believe all the things she has missed out on with Matthew in the course of a single year, just 12 short months – first Christmas, first steps, first birthday, first words, first haircut, dancing, really communicating. He is really becoming quite an amazing little person. He has such personality. He teases, plays, jokes. I really wish Cathy could be here to see it all. She would be in complete awe of her grandson. She would proudly hang his latest masterpiece on her wall. She would anxiously await new pictures. She would enjoy trying to convince him to talk to her on the telephone. And she would treasure every minute she could spend with him.

As this anniversary of her death approached, I read back over the memorial blog I wrote to her at the end of last year and I realize that it still hurts just as much when I think of all that we lost when she died. But I also am able to smile as I recall happy memories of her. I know that as time passes, the hurt won't be as acute and sharp. It will still be there, but the joy of having known her will overshadow the loss. I know you are up there Cathy looking down on us occassionally. We love you and miss you. We are glad that your pain is no more. And we have faith that we will be reunited with you one day.

We miss you so very much. You are not forgotten and you are deeply loved.