Matthew turned one (a month ago)

Boy has it been awhile. I know I posted on Mother’s Day, but not with any real updates. When I started doing this blog I really thought I could find time to post every week or two. Obviously when I started this blog last year, I was still settling in to the mommy role and ridiculously thought that I would have time to update our friends and family with some cute anecdotes and photos every few weeks. I am still settling into the mommy role and am now learning that my time is no longer my own. So I am blessed to get a chance to post every month or two. When I started writing this particular update it turned out to be a little long and covered too many things, so I decided to split this update up into several smaller posts.

Matthew is becoming more independent, which should give me time to write more frequently, except for the fact that with independence and curiosity comes trouble. So while he is happy playing alone for a little while, he can’t be trusted to play with only what he should.

He likes to remove trash from the can, while adding toys to the can. He likes to climb on anything he can hike his short little legs up on.

And no matter how quiet I am when opening the dishwasher, refrigerator or pantry, he has a radar that lets him know they are open. Before I can even turn around and close what I have opened there he is rearranging the contents.

Anyway, here I am trying to update, but making excuses for the lack of more frequent posts. Since my last official update Matthew turned one. He had 2 fabulous birthday parties and got a bunch of nice gifts.

He seemed to understand the concept of opening presents better than he did at Christmas.

He also enjoyed playing with the other kids at both parties.


And of course he thoroughly enjoyed the cakes. His great aunt Kathy made a cake for one of his parties, while I made cupcakes for the other party.

He tried chocolate for the first time, and as hard as it is for me to believe he can take it or leave it. He is not overly fond of it, yet.

I am in denial somewhat that my baby is now a toddler. This past year has been more amazing than I ever could have imagined. And every day, I found myself falling more and more in love with being his mommy. And to this day, I am surprised and awed by how deep that love goes. My love for him is something that lives and breathes; it is its own life force, a profound, raw, fierce thing. It just...is. It will always be. This past year has been the best year of my life. We have such a special bond, me and Matthew. From 8lbs to 20 lbs, he has grown so much. Brian and I have grown too; we are much better people because he is in our lives. He is the center of our world and we will love him for all the years of his life. But nothing can replace this first year.

I am so thankful to be his Mommy. I am truly blessed beyond words. God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave Matthew to me. He knew that Matthew was exactly what I needed, the perfect band-aid for my wounded heart.

Before I was a Mom

Of course with this being Mother’s Day weekend I have been thinking about my time as a mom. It amazes me how much can change in just a year. I got my first handmade Mother's Day card and it brought tears to my eyes.




I have seen this poem (for lack of a better word) many times before. I adapted it to fit me and my feelings.

BEFORE I WAS A MOM

Before I was a Mom
I ate hot meals whenever I got hungry,
I wore whatever I wanted with no thought to how easy it is to clean,
I brushed my long hair several times a day,
I had long conversations on the phone, and
I slept as late as I wanted and I slept all night long.

Now that I am a Mom
I eat quick bites that may be cold in between spoon feeding my little one,
I wear things that have no special washing instructions and keep stain remover on hand,
I quickly brush my shorter hair and put it in a pony tail to keep it out of little hands,
I have hurried conversations when it is nap time, and
I go to bed early because I don’t know what kind of night we will have, I wake up by 7 even on weekends and I wake up during the night for several feedings.

Before I was a Mom
I took my time at the store,
I never tripped over toys or tried to recall countless lullabies,
I didn't worry whether or not my plants or cleaners were poisonous,
I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on, or
pinched by tiny fingers.

Now that I am a Mom
I shop quickly before baby’s patience runs out,
I have baby toys in every room and sing children’s songs for hours,
I think about every thing that could wind up in my little one’s mouth, and
I don’t even get grossed out by puke, poop, snot, slobber or pee.

Before I was a Mom
I never thought about immunizations,
I never held a crying baby so the doctors could give him shots,
I never looked into tear glazed baby eyes and cried,
I never felt my heart break into pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt, and
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

Now that I am a Mom
I weigh the benefits and risks of each treatment,
I know that even things that hurt are in his best interest,
I know that some things hurt mommy more than baby,
I know how helpless you can feel when your child is sick and there is nothing you can do, and
I know how my heart delights in every little smile and laugh.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down,
I never sat up just watching a baby sleep,
I never woke up in the middle of the night to make sure everything was okay,
I never knew how lightly I could sleep, and
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

Now that I am a Mom
I know how special it feels to be trusted enough to have my baby fall asleep with his head on my shoulder,
I know that a sleeping baby is beautiful enough to bring a tear to my eyes,
I know that I will always wake up to check on my little miracle in the night to make sure he is safe, and
No job is more important than feeding and caring for my sweet boy.

Before I was a Mom
I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts and my body,
I didn't know how it felt to have my heart outside of my body,
I didn't know that having something so small could make me feel so
important,
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment, or the satisfaction that comes with being a mom.

Now that I am a Mom
I find my mind daydreaming of his future, my thoughts wandering to him and my arms aching to hold him,
I feel complete when the three of us are together and incomplete when we are apart,
I know utter joy, sheer happiness, and fulfillment.

Before I was a Mom
I never knew that something so tiny could affect and change my life so much,
I never knew that one heart could love someone so much,
I never knew I would love being a Mom,
I didn't know the bond between a Mother and her child,
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much.

Now that I am a Mom
I can’t imagine my life without this tiny person,
I know my heart can swell even bigger because it does everyday,
I know how special a Mom is,
And I am so thankful that God blessed me with a child to love.

Reflecting

It has been awhile since I posted anything. It’s not that life has been mundane – far from it. Things are just busy and not with any huge events, just busy with everyday living. Brian took Matthew with him to the grocery store, so I am sitting here reflecting on where I was last year.

Last year at this time I was going to my ob twice a week for non-stress tests, blood pressure checks and check ups. I was worrying that I would be put on bed rest for mine and Matthew’s safety (they sure threatened it enough). I was trying to figure out how we would get by if I went out on maternity leave that early. I was also getting so excited about the impending birth of our miracle.

And I was, like now reflecting on how much can change in a year’s time. Two years ago at this time, I was grieving for a little life lost during pregnancy. I was wondering why and how it could have happened. I was heartbroken that I wasn’t going to get to hold that little baby. Two years later, so much has changed. I am still a mommy. My heart still misses that little baby who went to Heaven early. But my heart has begun to really heal. My beautiful baby boy was just the perfect band-aid for that hurt. I still don’t understand why we lost that first baby. But I know that if we hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have Matthew now. And he is so wonderful. It is so much more than I ever imagined. Matthew truly is my rainbow after the storm. And I thank God for giving us this perfect and priceless gift.


This year has sped by so quickly. I am trying to capture and lock all the special moments in my heart. But that is impossible, because every moment with our little family is special. Matthew is growing so much and his first birthday is looming on the horizon. Since my last blog one major thing has happened – walking.

He is walking and running everywhere now. He loves to hide under things. He can do patty cake and itsy bitsy spider. He does say ma-ma and da-da on purpose. He loves to eat. He recognizes when you say the words cup, ball, book and elmo.


He gets into all kinds of stuff - cabinets, hampers, drawers, you name it and he wants to play in it. He has the cheesiest grin.


I am definitely in love with being a mommy. Each day is a new adventure and a new blessing. I am going to miss these fleeting days of babyhood. I hear the truck now. I guess the time for quiet reflection is over. Time to do some work.

Catching up

I finally have a few moments to write a new blog. It has been awhile. I probably should be using these few moments of peace and quiet to work on Matthew’s scrapbook or better yet I should be cleaning something. But I figured I would attempt to start a new blog. Nothing incredibly exciting is going on in our little corner of the world. But I figured I would share a little of our lives and some pictures.

The holidays were wonderful. Every holiday now has new meaning with a little one. Thanksgiving was very special; spending time with our extended family, letting Matthew try a lot of home cooked foods, being together, counting all our many blessings. It was everything a holiday should be.


We got to spend some time with Brian’s extended family just before Christmas. The reason for our gathering was very sad. But it was still nice to see them all and have some of them finally meet Matthew. It was nice to sit and reminisce with them about Cathy. I know they all miss her very much.

Christmas was bittersweet for us – Matthew’s first Christmas and our first Christmas without Brian’s mom, Cathy. Christmas has always been special to me. This holiday is probably my favorite one of all. It celebrates a little baby, the ultimate gift. I understand the value of that gift more now than ever before. I have always enjoyed the traditions my family has for Christmas. Those traditions took on a whole new meaning sharing them with Matthew this year. Our family’s Christmas is incredibly hectic, and sometimes a little stressful, with all the running around crammed in to one day. I know as Matthew grows, the traditions will have to change a little. I have so many fond memories of Christmases spent with my family. I hope when Matthew is my age, he will look back fondly on his Christmases growing up.



This first Christmas of his, was pretty amazing. He is finally getting over his stranger anxiety, so he got to actually enjoy being with everyone. And he got so many toys. (Next year maybe we won’t buy as many toys since everyone else will buy him toys.)

He loves to play so all the toys will eventually get used. We will rotate them in and out so that he doesn’t get bored. My dad and granddaddy built him and my nephew these really amazing rocking Harleys.


Now Matthew has a rocking toy built by each grandpa. (Grandpa Gene built him a rocking horse when he was just a couple of months old.) I am so thankful that Matthew has such talented grandpas. These toys will mean something to him as he grows up. And he can pass them onto his children one day. That means more than any store bought toy. We had to cut our trip short because of a snowstorm on Christmas night. But even cutting the trip short and running around like crazy, we still had such a wonderful holiday.


We are still adjusting to Cathy being gone. We are trying to settle her affairs. It is hard to believe she’s been gone for just over a month now. I still catch myself getting ready to ask Brian if he has talked to his mom this week. He found an old voicemail of her that was saved on his phone the other day. It was a sad day, because we know there won’t be anymore messages. The message wasn’t remarkable. It just said that she was sorry she had missed his call earlier and for him to call her back. But finding it caught him off guard and reminded him of all that he has lost.

Matthew is growing like crazy (but not crazy enough as far as the doctors are concerned. He’s in like the 2nd percentile in length and like the 10th percentile in weight. His doctor ordered a bunch of tests to make sure everything is OK. We go next week to Duke to rule out one last ailment. We aren’t worried. He is going to be small like his parents.) He crawls everywhere and is just beginning to enjoy the fun of the chase.

He loves to play with everything he can get his little hands on. And you can’t leave him alone for too long, or he will definitely find something he shouldn’t mess with. He likes to get into things.


He befriended a neighborhood kitty. She sits on the porch and he squeals at her. It is cute.

He took 2 unassisted steps yesterday. I cried tears of happiness that my little boy has accomplished something so wonderful and also tears of sadness that my little boy is growing up so fast. He has so much personality. He likes to “read” books himself. He loves music and crawls while bobbing his head to the beat. He loves to feed himself (aka make a mess). I don’t understand why he can find the smallest speck of dirt that I missed while sweeping and get it to his mouth, but the garden peas on his high chair tray manage to get mashed in his hair. He chatters away, especially when he is tired. No real words yet, but I know it’s just a matter of time. I try to savor every moment. Brian and I were talking about how sweet and wonderful some of our everyday moments as a family are and how sad it is that in a few months we won’t remember that particular moment. I guess in a way it is a blessing to have so many wonderful moments, that we won’t remember a particular instant on an ordinary afternoon. I guess that’s partly why I do this blog, as irregular as it is, as a way to capture some of the wonder of our ordinary days.